i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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