why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.