i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?