Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.