if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?