nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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