I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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