shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
