Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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