they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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