Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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