WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
