you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
