hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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