We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
