rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
