When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
