I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
