I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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