proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Less talking, more tequila
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
