His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
