I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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