My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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