Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
