I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I love you. Go after that dick
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
