dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
