Your face is a jimmy john
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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