haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
