but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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