i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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