oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
