Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize