I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
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Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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