Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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