I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
