I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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