Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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