So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were destined to go to rehab together
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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