I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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