if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
