okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
