Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize