I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
