You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
