I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
