I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
FUCK WHALES
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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