so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
