M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
