you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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