They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
