I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
