what day is it and did you see me today?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
