Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
