My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm like, not good at living.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
