my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
