I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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